Thanks, anonymous contributor. Satire, needless to say.
Karma Police Arrest this Woman:
By Crime Correspondent: Iva Dream
1st January 2014
Karma Police have arrested Tory Home Secretary Theresa May in a ‘mid-afternoon-snooze’ raid on the Home Office yesterday.
Shortly before the arrest, press officials who were invited to the raid heard officers shout a warning before politely knocking on the door and popping their heads around to wake her gently to avoid potential cardiac arrest. According to an invited press witness: “Officers shouted, stop in the name of love! Before you break any more hearts!”
Commenting on the circumstances that lead to the Arrest Warrant being issued and enacted against Mrs May, Chief Inspector Dave Angel, read from a specially prepared press statement; “Mrs May, has been arrested today by Her Majesty’s Karmic Constabulary, under new powers which we have to arrest anyone considered a threat to the happiness and integration into British Society of the families of British citizens, their partners and children.”
Continuing his press statement, Chief Inspector Angel said, “Mrs May ignored several warnings from organisations and key figures such as the Children’s Commissioner. When she went ahead and made unnecessary and unrealistic new rules in 2012, for British Citizens applying for spousal and family re-unification visas to bring their wives, husbands and kids into the UK to live with them in their own homes. Her callous and uncaring new Visa Rule has resulted in thousands of lawfully married people living in a UK government sanctioned forced separation for years in some cases. It has led to Christmas 2013 being a very unhappy one for many loving mothers, fathers, husbands and wives. More seriously, it has forced couples to be unable to fulfil the vows they made to each other on their wedding day and for this reason we have arrested Mrs May today.”
The Chief Inspector stated “Mrs May is the daughter of a Church of England vicar and she should know better than anyone, of the Karmic ramifications of intentionally splitting up and forcibly keeping apart those who have made a solemn oath to; Love and to Cherish, In sickness and In health for richer, for poorer, forever and ever Amen. Karmic Law clearly points as stated in a marriage ceremony with a reading from the Bible that what God has put together let no man or woman put asunder.”
He added, “Which in everyday language means that it is a criminal offence, under the United Faiths, Karmic Justice act of 24CE, that anyone who forcibly splits a husband from his wife or vice versa risks arrest and Karmic actions being taken against them. This also means that anyone who brings in an unnecessary Spousal Visa rule, which is all about expecting a person to earn £18,600, before they are entitled to enjoy life in the UK with their lawfully wedded spouse or family, is acting unlawfully. If as in this particular case, Mrs May’s selfish, nonsensical and purely political actions of bringing in the ill thought out and crudely written rule, has brought unnecessary suffering to thousands of normal born and bred married folk. Then it is our job, as those responsible for policing the Universal Karmic Law to arrest and prosecute those involved.”
Reflecting the seriousness of the crimes May has been charged with, Inspector Angel disclosed information of the type of criminal activity against British Citizens that led to the arrest. “What Mrs May has been arrested for today is not just one petty crime. Mrs May is been arrested and will be prosecuted for causing devastating and long term damage the marriages and lives of thousands of innocent British men, women and children. Her Karmic crimes are very serious and have had a profound effect on her victims.
"In one example, which reflects many of the crimes she is being charged with and will be prosecuted for, Mrs May has stopped a hard working lawfully married born and bred British man, who has his marital home in the north of England, spending Christmas day with his little 2 year old son. This is because his beloved wife and child are stuck in a country 5,000 miles away for the last two years. His son and wife are not being given the expensive £900, low grade (no recourse to public funds) 2.5 year temporary UK spousal visa, purely on the basis, as set out in Mrs May’s new Spousal Visa rules, that he is a hardworking man working over 40 hours in a low paid service sector job on a typical wage in his region. Mrs May seems to pick and choose which laws to respect.
"She sadly has no respect at all for the Karmic or moral laws of the Universe. As any normal person can see whoever is responsible for such a blatant disrespect of a British man, woman or child’s dignity and rights has got it coming to them”.
The Inspector concluded his statement by saying ”So today, ladies and gentlemen of the press, it is for this reason that have carried out the order to arrest Mrs May for a long list of charges relating to putting Asunder the holy matrimony of innocent hard working low paid taxpaying British citizens. Mrs May has also been charged with denying the Human Right of Christmas with their husbands, wives and in some very distressing cases, their children as you have heard today.”
When asked what was to happen next to Mrs May regarding the arrest and charges against her, Chief Inspector Angel, replied “At the moment that is unclear, we are only here to arrest her, it is for the Good Lord Himself to judge her. But from where I am standing I do not think that Mrs May will be getting off lightly for the suffering and misery she has caused to the thousands affected by her cruel and unnecessary Spousal Visa Rules of July 2012. “